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I'm marking three months of being sober and seeking advice on supporting my 11-year-old neurodivergent son. With rehab and support groups, I've reached this milestone, though my drinking intensified over the last couple of years. Previously, I was alcohol-free for the first six years of his life.

The Effect of Past Struggles

In the final stages, my drinking was non-stop, and my son saw me unstable and miserable. He developed a feeling of duty, believing he was the sole person who could stop me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I am deeply regretful about this. I've repeatedly explained to him that only I can control my actions.

He stayed with his father for several months—we separated five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He returned back in with me when he started high school in September. Trust between us is gradually building as he sees that I am not drinking and devoting all my effort into improving.

Current Challenges and Emotions

My son remains overly watchful and worried about my safety. As a result, he is terribly controlling of my movements—partly due to anxiety about my drinking, but also because he is on the spectrum and uneasy about unexpected changes. I am working on self-assurance and limits; it's tempting to give in to his demands, but that isn't appropriate as a parent. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I referred to family support while in treatment, and we are waiting for help for my son from nearby addiction services. Meanwhile, I feel quite at sea about how to talk with him. I don't want to make him upset, but I also wish not to ignore the previous events. How do we progress?

Expert Guidance on Recovery

Children require a sense of safe, particularly after chaotic times when they were uncertain if their caregiver could protect them secure. They might be concerned about raising these issues now. Kids often believe things are their responsibility—blaming themselves instead of their guardians, as the alternative feels overwhelming. Being autistic can exacerbate these emotions.

Individuals in the midst of addiction often make apologies they may not be able to fulfill. It can be difficult for family members to determine what to believe.

It is common for those in addiction to offer assurances they may not maintain. This means, loved ones can find it challenging to trust them. Along with boundaries, it's really crucial to be reliable and show your son that situations have improved, rather than just telling him.

Practical Actions for Dialogue and Support

Concentrate on him adjusting at school and create a good schedule. Next, introduce the concept that any topic is off the discussion table—if you're open to it. Dinner times can be a good moment to talk, as can side-by-side activities like strolling or driving, since they require less direct gazing, which individuals find overwhelming. Perhaps there's an hobby you and your son like doing together? Don't think "we must talk," but look for opportunities for dialogue and see if they happen. Additionally, think about your son's favored way of communication—it may not be speaking; it could be written, or a mix of both.

It's essential for him to know that his safe place apart from home might be with his dad. You should not take it personally if he wants to go there sometimes. It doesn't mean you've done poorly—this is a journey that won't be linear.

Separating Your Needs from His

You need to separate your requirements from your son's. Make sure you're not comforting him to ease your own guilt—for your own relief—because you cannot do that via your son. You can concentrate more effectively on what he requires if you receive strong assistance yourself.

You are making really well. Continue forward.